A handful of scientists from the U.S. and Canada have officially retracted their theory of Global Warming after experiencing the arctic chill of the polar vortex this past month. The group made up of meteorologists, climatologists and tempotologists came to their conclusion after the record-breaking lows being felt all across the United States and Canada.
Places in the Midwest are experiencing highs in the negative degrees with wind chills diving to the negative 30’s. Minneapolis has seen wind chills in the negative 40’s, while parts of South Dakota felt 60mph wind gusts.
Meteorologist Tam Brickland said, “It’s just really hard to look out my window, see all the snow on my deck, feel the cold tiles on my feet, and make some sweeping conclusion about the entire globe like, ‘the world is getting warmer.’ I can’t let science blind my personal experience.”
Frustrated by inconsiderate snowplows and dry, itchy skin, the scientists called an emergency meeting to take global geographical, climatological and meteorological data, and compare it with their feelings.
Climatologist Theo G. Eisel said, “When I trust my gut, my gut says what? It says that it is cold. It’s not that hard, then, to conclude our theory doesn’t hold.”
Brickland elaborated, “I know we should be telling you about how cold air is normally trapped in the arctic by the polar winds which create a kind of atmospheric pressure or “vortex” that sweeps it around the north pole, and how in the last 10 years, the winds – also called the jet stream – have taken on a wavy configuration which whips the cold much further south, and although it’s hard to pinpoint why this is happening, the region has seen significantly less sea ice and snow cover because of warmer air… but my lips. They’re just so chapped.”
The scientists looked at temperature maps of the United States and Canada and saw the two countries were predominately colored in blues and purples. This, along with their in-depth examination of whether they could remember a winter as cold as this one (they could not), led to the conclusion that the world is actually getting colder, not warmer. It also provoked further discussion into whether or not global warming is really “a thing.”
“It’s just too cold,” said tempotologist Sue Banthony, “I’m really cold. My neighbors are cold. Even Florida is cold. When Florida is cold, the earth is not warming.”
When asked if the record-breaking heat waves of over 110F in Australia or the devastating droughts in California could continue to support the climate change theory, Banthony responded, “I don’t know, it’s Australia, you know. It’s hot there.”
As of press time, Al Gore had not been asked to comment.
Jordan Lints
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