http://www.thechiefly.com/politics/spying-rules-clinton/
Photo: Reuters
Former President Bill Clinton commented on the importance of a new set of spying rules regarding international spy tactics in an interview last week with Fusion television network. “We can’t have a repeat of the past year’s controversies if we are to keep up necessary working relationships with our European allies,” said Clinton.
Last night a leaked e-mail containing the former president’s rule proposals was obtained by an unidentified source. The text from that document can be viewed below:
New Spying Rules (Subject to change)
- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram the fact that you are a spy.
- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram the fact that you are spying.
- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram evidence obtained through spying.
- No more trench coats and fedoras.
- No more unbelievably fake mustaches.
- No more sequin party hats on birthdays.
- No more tap shoes. Never wear tap shoes. Let it be on record this is a terrible idea.
- No more hiding evidence inside the following:
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Underwear
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Socks
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Briefcase
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Fedora
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Mouth
- No more pets as co-agents.
- No more parrots on shoulders to record enemy conversation.
- Turn all phones on silent or vibrate and never – for any reason – have “Every Breath You Take” as a ring tone.
- Come up with better fake names. Beginning immediately the following names are prohibited:
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John Smith
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Jack Bauer
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Perry Platypus
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Sterling Archer
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Names that are numbers
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Any name beginning with “Agent.” (Seriously, guys, this should be obvious.)
- When listening in on phone calls, remember to sneeze away from the receiver.
- Wipe bottoms of shoes.
- Hire less ticklish people.
- Hire more women.
- Stop groping newly hired women.
- Stop refuting claims of sexual harassment made by newly hired women.
- Get car mufflers fixed.
- Reduce volume of car stereo in lookout vehicles.
- Razor scooters are not effective means of getaway.
- Do not check cellphone in a dark room.
- Stop saying how this is “just like the movies.”
- Do not immediately confess when someone says, “Caughtcha!” or “Aha!” They could actually be saying that for a number of other reasons.
- If caught, do not sob and yell, “I wasn’t spying! Shut up! I hate you!”
- You do not talk about Spy Club.