Photo: Reuters

Former President Bill Clinton commented on the importance of a new set of spying rules regarding international spy tactics in an interview last week with Fusion television network. “We can’t have a repeat of the past year’s controversies if we are to keep up necessary working relationships with our European allies,” said Clinton.

Last night a leaked e-mail containing the former president’s rule proposals was obtained by an unidentified source. The text from that document can be viewed below:

 

New Spying Rules
(Subject to change)

- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram the fact that you are a spy.

- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram the fact that you are spying.

- Do not post, blog, text, tweet, or Instagram evidence obtained through spying.

- No more trench coats and fedoras.

- No more unbelievably fake mustaches.

- No more sequin party hats on birthdays.

- No more tap shoes. Never wear tap shoes. Let it be on record this is a terrible idea.

- No more hiding evidence inside the following:

• Underwear

• Socks

• Briefcase

• Fedora

• Mouth

- No more pets as co-agents.

- No more parrots on shoulders to record enemy conversation.

- Turn all phones on silent or vibrate and never – for any reason – have “Every Breath You Take” as a ring tone.

- Come up with better fake names. Beginning immediately the following names are prohibited:

• John Smith

• Jack Bauer

• Perry Platypus

• Sterling Archer

• Names that are numbers

• Any name beginning with “Agent.” (Seriously, guys, this should be obvious.)

- When listening in on phone calls, remember to sneeze away from the receiver.

- Wipe bottoms of shoes.

- Hire less ticklish people.

- Hire more women.

- Stop groping newly hired women.

- Stop refuting claims of sexual harassment made by newly hired women.

- Get car mufflers fixed.

- Reduce volume of car stereo in lookout vehicles.

- Razor scooters are not effective means of getaway.

- Do not check cellphone in a dark room.

- Stop saying how this is “just like the movies.”

- Do not immediately confess when someone says, “Caughtcha!” or “Aha!” They could actually be saying that for a number of other reasons.

- If caught, do not sob and yell, “I wasn’t spying! Shut up! I hate you!”

- You do not talk about Spy Club.