Donned in our bright orange Elway and Manning Broncos jerseys, my buddy and I descended on Metlife Stadium for the Super Bowl. Because we’re crazy people and because we got a great deal on Saturday night, we sat 9 rows up from the Seahawks end zone, and right next to their locker room. RIGHT next to it.
As the Seahawks congregated in the tunnel, we used our last moment of optimism to remind the players beneath us how unfortunate the next sixty minutes were going to be for them. Doug Baldwin proceeded to turn around and stare us down for what seemed like an eternity with a pair of the most intense eyes I have ever seen in my entire life. It was at this moment that I decided I would never be able to play professional football.
Because Doug Baldwin is a human being with a cellphone and I am a human being with a cellphone, we exchanged text messages after the game on Sunday. Here are the 100% “completely” “real” “texts” between my new arch-nemesis and I.
Me: What up?
Doug Baldwin: Who is this?
Me: You know damn well who this is, crazy eyes.
DB: …
Me: YOU DON’T REMEMBER THAT MOMENT IN THE TUNNEL DOUG? IT WAS A LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE! YOU STARED RIGHT THROUGH MY SOUL!
Me: I’ve been having chest pains ever since.
DB: The loud mouthed dude in the Broncos jersey?
Me: YES!!
DB: How did you get this number?
Me: John Elway gave it to me, we golf on the weekends, it’s not important. What is important is how you have hurt me Doug.
DB: Because we whooped your team’s ass?
Me: Yes! Do you realize how sad that made me? How much I paid for tickets? You guys made me buy four $14 beers Doug. FOUR!!!
DB: Well…sorry.
Me: Thanks Doug, that really means a lot coming from you. I want to bury the hatchet between us and start fresh. I think we got off on the wrong foot.
DB: I was joking guy, I’m not really sorry. I don’t care.
Me: Doug,
Me: Why
Me: Must
Me: You
Me: Hurt
Me: Me
Me: So?
DB: Hey man, you texted me.
Me: Why did you have to run by Champ on that one crucial third down early in the game? Do you realize who that man is?
DB: Someone who’s slower than me.
Me: 
DB: So is Cris Carter.
Me: Ooooohhhh snap!!!!!
DB: Free life tip: don’t ever say that again.
Me: You have shaken me to my very core, Doug.
Me: What were you saying to Tavaris Jackson here?
Me: Were you like “Yeah! Fuck those two funny and caring people up there! They’re wearing a different jersey than us but if we met them out on the street, we’d totally take them out to our awesome NFL parties and introduce the guy in the Elway jersey to Scarlett Johannson so the two of them can live happily ever after! Now let’s go play a good game!”
DB: No.
Me: Oh…
Me: What were you saying?
DB: I don’t remember, something loud and vulgar. Thanks for the motivation.
Me: This is all my fault.
Me: If I keep my mouth shut, Manny Ramirez snaps the ball when he’s supposed to and everything is different.
Me: This should have been the real John and Peyton, we stole their moment.
Me: ….
Me: DOUG, IT’S BEEN THIRTY MINUTES! WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME STEW IN MY OWN GUILT?
DB: I was getting sized for my Super Bowl ring.
Me:
Me: And lining up your potential sexual conquests for the party?
DB: Weird…but actually, yeah.
Me: See Doug, we’re more alike than you would think.
Me: So look, there’s actually a specific reason that I texted you. I’ve been reading the NFL rule book and I’m pretty sure that I know how to fix the Super Bowl.
DB: This should be good.
Me: Can you petition the league to replay it? Joe Namath screwed up the whole thing. He was supposed to flip the coin at first, and then he didn’t, and then something happened, then it gets a little fuzzy, but THERE WAS SOME FUNNY STUFF GOING ON DURING THE COIN TOSS. I WANT A DO-OVER.
Me: If the Broncos win the toss, then we defer to the second half, and the game begins with a safety on YOU GUYS cuz your center forgot to snap the ball, and then snapped the ball out of the endzone when your quarterback was changing the play, and then your whole universe collapsed around you, and you realized how pointless life is, because the only reason for your existence is just to produce more units of things and stuff before your short, joyless time on this mortal coil comes to an end.
Me: Doug…are you there? This is important.
DB: Yeah…I was busy watching coach do a shot of Crown Royal off of the Lombardi Trophy.
Me: Your life must be so awesome.
DB: It sure is.
Me: So that’s a no on the 2nd Super Bowl?
DB: What do you think?
Me: I THINK THAT YOU ARE A KIND AND GENEROUS PERSON AND THAT WHEN YOU SEE AN INJUSTICE, YOU WILL STAND ON PRINCIPLE INSTEAD OF SELF-INTEREST DOUG! THAT’S WHAT I THINK!
Me: I AM STARING YOU DOWN RIGHT NOW JUST LIKE YOU STARED ME DOWN ON SUNDAY. HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
Me: PICTURE THAT! PICTURE…YOUR, UM, EYES BUT, IN MY HEAD, CUZ I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT EYE THING THAT YOU DID. AND I’M STARING RIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL, DOUG! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
Me: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m not in a good place right now.
DB: I’m gonna go dude. Have a good life.
Me: Ok…one last thing. Can you get Russell Wilson to come back to the Rockies? We drafted him after all, and we could really use a second baseman.
Me: …..
Me: …..
Me: ??????????????
Me: We were so close Doug, so close, it should have been ours…
Me: Alright…I get it…goodbye forever Mr. Crazy Eyes.
Jacob Weindling
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