Papers Telling Ukrainian Jews to Register a Huge Misunderstanding?

The Weinstein Company

The Weinstein Company

The writers behind the pamphlets telling eastern Ukrainian Jews to register have recently insisted that this has all been a huge misunderstanding.

“This was all blown way out of proportion,” said Joseph Himmler, the official spokesperson for Izan (pronounced “Eets-on”), a private census company. “We wanted to see if there was a need for more synagogues. We were taking an impromptu census, and that was our bad.”

In mid-April, the streets of eastern Ukraine were littered with announcements informing Jewish residence to register with the state or face serious repercussions. The news quickly spread around the globe as anyone who has taken a history class or seen an Oscar-nominated movie can recall similarly chilling events.

“It was like in X-Men when they’re trying to register all the mutants,” said tourist Justine Bibler.

“We weren’t trying to register anyone,” said founding member Hans Danla, “We were trying to count them. To see if we have enough kosher restaurants and food trucks.”

Danla admits they went about creating the pamphlets too quickly and should have taken into account how the message may have been misinterpreted. Especially to, as he described them, “the  older, more judgmental people.”

The Izan Company insists this isn’t about the Jews.

“This isn’t about the Jews,” said Himmler, quite racistly. “We want to count the black people, too. To see if they need more b-ball courts—I believe that’s what they call them. We wanted each to have their own number because otherwise they could vote twice. They’re very sneaky. I mean, fast, you know, they’re good runners.”

Danla added, “Also to see if the gypsies need more scarves or the Jehovahs more witnesses. We’re here to help.”

“Also, the gays,” said member Rolf Gruber. When asked to elaborate, Gruber said, “We should ask them what they want, too. Every one of them. Individually.”

As of press time, no Jewish, African Ukrainian, or homosexual locals would answer their phones or doorbells to comment.


Editor’s Note: What you have just read is a satire—not to be taken seriously. If you took it seriously before reading this far then your attention span may need some work.

Jordan Lints

Jordan Lints

Political and Cultural Contributor
Jordan Lints

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