The ‘Experts’ Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 And Vonnegut Too


It has been approximately two weeks since Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 went missing, and still no one seems to be any closer to discovering how a Boeing 777 that was carrying 239 people on board can just disappear without a trace. However, the lack of evidence hasn’t stopped anyone from proposing theories as to what happened and, at this point, anything is possible.

We wanted very much to get in on this guesswork so as to fill much-needed column space, and hopefully to find a clue as to what happened to the missing flight, so we contacted Professor R.J. Bainton, PHD at the International Association for Missing Boats and Airplanes (NAMBLA) to hear his latest theory as to what happened.

“It is quite simple, Flight 370 has simply flown into a passing chrono-synclastic infundibula,” said Professor Bainton.

For those that don’t know what a chrono-synclastic infundibulum is, well, it’s rather hard to explain.

Professor Bainton spent about three hours explaining it to me, and I’d rather not put you through all  that.

The simplest way to explain it would be to imagine there are two men who are always right about everything. If they were ever to meet, they would argue endlessly as two men cannot both always be right about everything, unless they were in a chrono-synclastic infundibula–the only place where everyone is right.

“By flying into the chrono-synclastic infundibula, their molecules have been spread all through space and time in a spiral pattern originating in the Sun and terminating in Betelgeuse. We should see the flight again when their path intersects with the orbit of the Earth again in about 90 days,” Bainton explained.

“This particular chrono-synclastic infundibula is colloquially known as the Malaysian Quadrangle,” said Bainton.

Of course, when Professor Winston Kazak, PHD from the NATO Mission for Missing Flying Objects (also NAMBLA) heard this, he was very angry.

“There is no way a chrono-synclastic infundibula could exist! That fool Bainton has been reading too much Vonnegut! It’s obvious that it’s all just a publicity stunt. ABC is going to announce a LOST remake in a few weeks, and they need to drum up publicity,” said Professor Kazak.

This naturally angered Professor Bainton, who then threw a punch at Professor Kazak. Kazak, being a tenured professor of professional wrestling, took Bainton by the torso and proceeded to perform on him the most perfectly executed German Suplex in history.

As the two exchanged blows, it became very apparent that no one really has any idea what has happened to Flight 370 and its 239 passengers. Everyone is clueless: our expert interviewees, the cable news channels, and yes, even Courtney Love. If anyone actually knew what happened to the plane, someone would have found it by now.

Perhaps Professor Bainton is right; we do need to consider the chrono-synclastic infundibulum but, not as a solution to where the plane has gone. We should consider throwing all our experts into one of these things so that they can finally agree on something and figure out what happened to Flight 370 and its passengers. THEEND

John Zurz

John Zurz

John Zurz

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