It’s Gotta Be The Shoes

The year 2014 can now claim its first frivolous lawsuit. A 26-year-old pimp from Portland, currently serving a 100-year prison sentence for second-degree assault, has filed a $100 million civil suit against Nike for failing to warn that the Nike Jordans he wore while stomping on the face of his victim could be used as a dangerous weapon.

In early 2013, Sirgiorgio Clardy was found guilty of second-degree assault for beating the john who refused to pay the 18-year-old prostitute who worked for him.  Clardy repeatedly stomped on the man’s face, inflicting wounds which required stitches and plastic surgery.

He was also convicted for violently beating the prostitute who bled from her ears after the attack. Jurors found Clardy, “a dangerous offender,” classifying his shoes as “a dangerous weapon,” a charge which carries longer prison sentences in Oregon.

In the official complaint against Nike, Clardy claims the shoe manufacturer “failed to warn of risk” and demands the company apply labels to all “potentially dangerous Nike and Jordan merchandise.”

While Nike claims they are unaware of the lawsuit and have no comment regarding the case, Clardy highlights the popular trend in finding probable cause for probably a lot of money.

Here’s a short list of five of the more ridiculous lawsuits over the last decade:

2013, This Footlong Is An Inch Short. “They advertise in all these commercials, ‘Footlong, Footlong, Footlong,’ and now I feel like an idiot.”Avid Subway patron Jason Leslie of NJ filed for $142 million against the fast-food conglomerate after he suspected his 12 inch meatball sub wasn’t all it should be. Multiple tests confirmed the popular $5 Footlong measured at half-an-inch to a full inch shorter than advertised.  Representing 5% of Footlong sales revenue, or $142.5 million, Leslie is seeking compensation for the missing inches.

Source: NY Post

2012, Drunk Driver: It Was Dead Victim’s Fault! David Belniak was driving 75 to 85 mph while drunk.  On Christmas day, he plowed his Nissan pickup into a Chevrolet Tahoe that was stopped at a red light. He never stepped on the brakes, and killed three of the four passengers, including the driver, Gerard Bassi. He plead guilty to three counts of DUI manslaughter. He had alcohol, Xanax, and traces of cocaine in his system. He had been arrested previously for two DUIs and involved in another accident, resulting in the death of a pedestrian. He was sentenced to 12 years in jail and is now seeking $12,500 from Bassi’s estate for pain and suffering.

Source: Tampa Bay Times

2011, Convict Sues Hostages for Not Hiding Him. Jessee Dimmick of Denver, CO broke into the home of newlyweds Jared and Lindsay Rowley. Days prior, Dimmick had stabbed another man to death, fleeing with his wallet and drugs. The couple was able to escape and contact police while Dimmick was asleep. Dimmick sued for breach of contract as the couple agreed to hide him from police in exchange for money.

Source: USA Today

2008, Snapped Thong Catches Cornea. 52-year-old traffic cop, Macrida Patterson, nearly “put an eye out” changing after work. She sued Victoria’s Secret after a defective thong, decorated with a rhinestone heart and metal links on the waistband, snapped and popped into her eye. While able to drive home, the pain intensified overnight until she visited a doctor. She missed two weeks of work, incurred a cut to her cornea and unspecified damages in negligence.

Source: Huffington Post

2006, Wanna be like Mike? Not This Guy. Another Portland man sued Nike and basketball legend Michael Jordan for a total of $832 million. Allen Heckard sued for defamation, emotional pain and suffering resulting from his resemblance to the basketball legend. Ongoing public harassment over the mistaken identity caused nearly a billion dollars in personal harm.

Jordan, at fault for being a famous athlete, and Nike for helping Jordan become a widely recognizable figure, have made it impossible for Heckard to live his life.

Despite Heckard being shorter, thinner, and 8 years older than Jordan, he claims the attention is an impediment to lifestyle. He does admit to wearing to Air Jordans as they are the most tailored to his feet. Asked at how he arrived at the $832 million figure, “Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and ah, then I turn around and ah I figure that’s what it all boils down to.”

Source: CBS News

Alexandria Cohen

Alexandria Cohen

Alexandria Cohen

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