Photo By: Matthew Coughlin
United States postal service workers are feeling unnecessarily pursued this week after a report came out from the Postal Service watchdog, Office of the Inspector General. The report, presented by watchdog spokesperson, Hosah Goodboi, accused workers of taking advantage of work funds for personal expenses. The workers, however, have felt stalked by the watchdog – particularly Mr. Goodboi – for a long time.
“He’s been on our trail from the beginning,” postal worker Anne Velope explained, “It’s like he’s sniffing us out.”
“Oh, yeah, he’s been hounding us for years,” veteran worker, Anita S. Tamp elaborated, “Whenever he stops by, he’s out of breath, panting, practically foaming at the mouth. If you don’t have those monthly reports ready… man, he’ll bite ya. Just tear you to shreds.”
“He’s only happy when you’re stroking that ego of his,” said newly hired postal service employee, Ada Ress, “Then he’ll lie down and be your best friend, but with our job, who has the time?”
Workers say they have tried to be cordial to the spokesman, but his behavior can be erratic. Many employees have complained of unusual holes in their clothing, disfigured shoes, and urine on their mail trucks. When confronted about the matter, Mr. Goodboi was said to have blamed it on a squirrel, shouting, “SQUIRREL!!!” and then ran down the street chasing a paper bag.
At the press conference, many people drew attention to the obvious aggression towards the postal workers. When one reporter asked why, in such a tough economy, the watchdog couldn’t throw employees a bone, Mr. Goodboi began jumping up and down and yowled into the microphone, “THEM? Me throw THEM a bone? What kind of idiotic idea is that? What is wrong with you? How does that make any sense at all?” The spokesman then seemed to openly blow his nose at the microphone and ran off.
Sources within the Office of Inspector General said later that evening Mr. Goodboi could be heard howling with laughter. His attorney maintains that it was merely the result of playing Kitten Cannon.
As of press time, Kitten Cannon has been googled 80,000 times.
Jordan Lints
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