10 Christmas Movies That Should Have Never Been Made

http://www.thechiefly.com/culture/worst-christmas-movies/

The holidays are about finding the inner Christmas spirit, spending time with loved ones, drinking hot chocolate and cuddling up with partners. If you’re going to add a Christmas movie into your moment of holiday love, then check out this list of what to avoid.

 

Black Christmas (2006)

“This Holiday Season, The Slay Ride Begins”

There’s not much you can expect from a holiday horror movie. Especially when it revolves around a group of sorority girls, including Michelle Trachtenberg, being picked off by a maniac who’s been living in the same house as the girls.

What made this film so silly was the cheesy way each person dies. Rather than using actual horror that makes scary movies frightening, there are moments of stabbing eyeballs, throwing ice skates and eating Christmas shaped body parts. This movie could potentially be fun if you’re looking for something that doesn’t take itself seriously, but if you’re looking for something that doesn’t involve decorating dead girls around a Christmas tree, then try something else.

IMDb Rating: 4.3/10

Christmas With the Cranks (2004)

“NO! HO! HO!”

This holiday rubbish was not only dull, but it was extremely unappealing. The Cranks played by Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis, decide to go on a holiday vacation until their daughter decides to come home, and they have to get their Christmas shenanigans together in just 12 hours (think “Modern Family” Express Christmas except not funny).

First of all, Jamie Lee Curtis looked creepy in this film. Her look was probably supposed to match the goofiness of the film, but instead she looked like a furless yeti. But that didn’t compare to the scene when Tim Allen gets a botox injection and can’t even swallow his food. Every attempt at comedy was just awkward and uncomfortable.

IMDb Rating: 4.9/10

Deck the Halls (2006)

“There Glows The Neighborhood”

This winter wonder involved two neighbors, Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito, who compete against each others Christmas light display where it gets to the point that their houses can be seen from…yep, space.

If there are people in your neighborhood that do this, then it’s advised that they seek professional help.

The only moment that made this film worth watching was when Kristin Chenoweth sings “Oh Holy Night” at the end. Her angelic voice made up for all of the absurdity inducing yawns and eyerolls.

IMDb Rating: 4.7/10

Four Christmases (2008)

“His father, her mother, his mother, and her father all in one day.”

You might assume a Christmas comedy with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon would share warm and genuine laughter.

Instead, we have a movie revolving around Vaughn and Witherspoon as a couple who visit each of their divorced parents, hence the title Four Christmases. This movie displayed mindless comedy, but not the kind that was a worth a laugh. It was the kind that was awfully boring without even trying.

IMDb Rating: 5.6/10

Fred Claus (2007)

“Christmas comes every year, but this holiday season Santa’s brother is coming along for the ride.”

Perhaps Vince Vaughn just shouldn’t be doing Christmas movies. Obviously, they’re not his friends. In this movie, he plays the brother of Santa (Paul Giamatti), and is forced to live at the North Pole. All of the asinine comedy overtook any attempt of trying to be heartfelt. The factory dance was one of the very few scenes that left a memory…and it was not a happy one.

IMDb Rating: 5.5/10

 

The Holiday (2006)

Was it really necessary to make this movie over two hours long? It was just a romantic comedy!

This yawn fest had a plot of two women who live in each other’s houses to spend time on their own after suffering breakups. Played by Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet, they both find happiness (awwww!), but only when they find a new man. Diaz’s man happens to be played by Jude Law so the second he shows up, we already know how that’s going to go. Winslet’s man was Jack Black, which was probably the only saving grace is this one.

IMDb Rating: 6.8/10

Home Alone 3 (1997)

“Better than the first two!” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

Why, why, why would someone think it was a good idea to make a third Home Alone without Macaulay Culkin?!

Sure, the villains were far more fearful than Marv and Harry, but in a way that resembled a Rob Zombie flick rather than a comedy. In the first two Home Alone movies, Kevin set some traps that were far more life threatening than they appeared to be, but in the third movie, there were moments that were not just life threatening, but they were extremely cartoonish.

Seriously, a guy wheels down the stairs, does a flip and lands right back on his feet? Where are the flying cans of paint? The nails in the tar?? The BLOWTORCH?!

IMDb Rating: 3.9/10

I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998)

“Somewhere between L.A. and N.Y. Jake found the true meaning of Christmas.”

Brace yourself for one horrifically sappy excuse for a comedy. Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays Jake, a college kid who wakes up in the middle of nowhere stuck in a Santa suit while figuring out a way to come home for Christmas since dad offered him his Porsche. All this film gave us was a load of terrible messages, shotty writing and the brutal murder of Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s career.

IMDb Rating: 5.0/10

Surviving Christmas (2004)

It’s hard to give a detailed description of this witless movie because it wasn’t even worth remembering. The only parts that come to mind are when James Gandolfini gets mad when Ben Affleck eats salami, and when the wife does a provocative photoshoot. Christina Applegate was somewhere in the movie too, right? If this ever comes across your channel surfing, save yourself the harm and continue to surf.

IMDb Rating: 5.1/10

The Santa Clause 2 and 3 (2002, 2006)

It’s such a shame how a heartwarming movie like The Santa Clause could end up with such horrible sequels. The second and third movie both lost their touch with what made the first one so touching. The original movie had mystery and charm, and didn’t over-obsess on the magic and special effects. The second and third movies did the exact opposite.

The Santa Clause 2 had a dull story of a remaining statement in the Santa Clause contract that he needs to get married before Christmas. It seems awfully convenient that Santa never noticed it before,  or that Bernard the elf never mentioned that in the first movie. But when Santa finally finds a wife, it happens to be his son’s principal. The twosome possess a bit of holiday chemistry, but it’s just a bit too fairy-like for them to get happily married in a matter of days. And Santa even jokes about how his new wife won’t want to take him to a beach for their honeymoon since his Santa weight isn’t beach material. Well, that’s a shame for his new wife. That could’ve been something to talk about before the wedding…but right, it had to happen before Christmas. Santa used a lame speech to convince her to marry him, and sadly enough, she fell for it.

As for The Santa Clause 3, this one had a battle of Santa Claus vs. Jack Frost. While there was a bunch of excess dialogue and over the top magic at the North Pole, the movie only got slightly interesting about an hour in when Santa goes through a glimpse of what his life would’ve been like if he had never become Santa Claus and remained as Scott Calvin. It seems like this could have been the main plot of the film, but instead we’ll stick with the battle against Jack.

Did anyone ever think that if Scott had just been a better father, then maybe becoming Santa wouldn’t have been necessary?

Average IMDb Rating: 4.9/10

Sam Machado

Sam Machado

Pop culture fanatic, stage performer, college graduate from Humboldt State University, lover of all things artistic, dedicated to physical activity.
Sam Machado

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